Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I will pee on everything he values.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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