Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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