There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I am naked and annoyed.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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