there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize