Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
