his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
