Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
