Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
