Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
