my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
