she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
