Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You were trust falling into bushes
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
