I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
