The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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