Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
