i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
