You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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