Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
