Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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