The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
