He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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