I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
