he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
