I'm so fucking centered right now
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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