Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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