Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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