And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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