I got chris browned last night
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize