Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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