You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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