Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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