I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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