I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
