Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
