piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
