someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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