where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
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