i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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