I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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