The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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