Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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