cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
