Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
