I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
