I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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