I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
