C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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