Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
