New low: just hacked my moms facebook
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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