please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
