I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
