Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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