@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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