i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
