I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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