Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
