i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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